The Journey of a Dancing Fairie

Bubble Baths

2011-06-03T12:54:00.003-05:00

It has been some time since I have been able to take a luxurious bath. There just never seems to be time for it. Mornings are not a good time, as there is a lot going on, people sharing the bathrooms, and I like to get things done before MacKenzie gets up. Evenings are not a good time for it because there is dinner to be made, eaten and cleaned up. Mom has to get hooked up to her dialysis machine. Chris has to get his things ready for work the next day and gets his shower or bath. MacKenzie gets her bedtime routine, which often includes a bath. So, where's mine???

Today, I decided it was my turn! MacKenzie got her bath this morning, and fell asleep on the floor of her nursery while she was playing. The bathroom adjoins her room, so I felt comfortable taking a bath during her naptime. Normally, I have so many things to do while she isn't underfoot, that I don't take the time to do much more than a shower at nap time. Today was different. We are taking a "down time" day. Just playing, being silly, and relaxing together. So far, so good!

I got my bath all ready...no cold water, just hot. I lit some candles and brought my dime store novel in to the bathroom. I also brought the baby monitor in- just in case. I sank down in the bubbles (yes, I used MacKenzie's "Mr. Bubble" bath stuff! I refrained from using her bath water colors though!) and felt the hot water do its magic. I read until I was so warm I thought I might pass out, then finished up by washing my hair with baby shampoo and rinsing off. My bath wasn't as playful and silly as MacKenzie's , but it sure was just what I needed!

I decided it was time for me to take care of myself the same way I take care of my child. I feed her good, fresh food (well, most of the time!) instead of pre-packaged stuff. I let her play in water almost every day. She can color outside of the lines every time she picks up a crayon or chalk. She explores every environment she is in, even the ones that aren't new to her. I dress her in pretty clothes that I let her get dirty in. She can nap whenever and wherever she wants to. I let her read on her own, and I never say no if she wants to sit on my lap and have me read to her. I never say no to hugs and kisses. I take care of her hurts as best as I can, and I provide a safe environment for her to grow in.

I imagine if I were to do all of those things (maybe not the napping whenever and wherever...that might not be so safe for MacKenzie!) for myself...I might start to see some more growth in myself, and maybe some reduction in this extra weight I have gained.

Thank you to my dear daughter for giving me the inspiration I have needed! Sleep well, MacKenzie...enjoy that nap under your window with the Spring breeze blowing gently through. I hope you remember that feeling fondly, as I do from my own childhood. I often think about naps on my mother's bed in the room under the huge maple tree that cooled Summer afternoons and ushered a breeze through window screens that sent the sheer curtains billowing over my head. I hope your nap is as good as those Summer naps I remember!

New Year, New Moon, New Me

2010-11-06T20:36:00.003-05:00

Today was the day that I took a sculpture class from Molly Stanton of Elven Elysium. The name of the class was "Sculpting the Land". The class was all day- more like a retreat than just a sculpture class.

This is the first weekend after my daughter, MacKenzie, turned one year old. It is quite appropriate that this workshop falls now, just after the Celtic New Year, and on a New Moon, to boot! I feel like now that MacKenzie is a year old and she is no longer an infant, her needs are expanding beyond me and my care. It is time to read who I am as a person, now that I am a mother and have experienced all that I have in the last two years.

I was greeted by a handsome black cat when I arrived at Mulina's Mill House this morning. He made me feel very welcome! Molly and Mulina were there also, and we had a lovely chat while waiting for everyone else to arrive. There were nine participants in all. A nice magical number! Two friends surprised me- Keri & Janell...two of my PocketFae came to play! It was a lovely surprise.

We began with a story from Molly. She told us the tale of The Corpse Watcher. It was gruesome and beautiful and magical all at the same time. The themes of the story were about compassion, connection, and sovereignty (owning your power). It was also about Gifts, and being in the flow of giving and receiving. Molly explained that when you give a Gift, that Gift expands when it is returned to you. One of the important lessons about being in the flow, is that you have to be an active participant. You can't just receive the opportunities; you have to give back so that you can continue to have active energy flow. You must do the work, so that more opportunity can flow through you.

We wandered through the grounds of the Mill. It was a lovely Autumn day, and it was a good experience. We each made an offering to the land while doing so. I took a sparkler (fire/air), incense (earth/air), and bubbles (water/air). In return, we were each to gather a small object that the land Gifted to us. We took those back to sculpt on.

As I was scouting for potential objects, I found an interesting piece of wood. I picked it up and with it, another that was close by. I thought I would look around for more by the Mill Stream, but when I made the first two steps onto that path, the handsome black cat appeared out of nowhere and began rubbing my legs and made me stop walking. I leaned down and gave him a scratch between the ears and set out to move farther down the path, and Bronson (the black cat) wound himself between my legs and made me trip! It was clear that he didn't think I should go that way. So I said "Thank you...I am listening..." and I turned around and went back. I eventually found myself at stream level, and then high above it, looking down...never quite in the flow. Bronson came and collected me, and we walked back to the Mill where everyone was beginning to gather again.

Then it was sculpting time! I had one idea when I came into the class today, and the piece of wood was not receptive to the idea that I originally had! I had expectations that I would deal with my "Zen Pendulum Fallout", and/or that I would make "The Object" that would help me finish my novel. Neither one of those things happened! As I turned the wood around and around in my hands, I saw that there was a little cave-like opening at the bottom if I set in down one particular way. When I rotated it like that, one of the women said that the one point on the side where she was looked like a dragon's ear or horn. When I turned it to see what she meant, I saw a whole dragon's face! Ear, eye, nose, mouth...!

I began sculpting. I was the last to start, and the first to finish. It was like I was driven to finish before the flow stopped. When I had a chance to breathe and look at my sculpture, I realized that it was no longer a dragon, but a BAT. Funny thing was, I had put on my bat necklace this morning. I felt called to wear it! I talked about the significance of BAT with Molly. Bat and Dragon share qualities because of their similar wings. In Asian mythologies, they are synonymous and are substituted for one another frequently. Clearly, I am supposed to work with Bat energy and imagery now!

I also learned a little about my connection with Brigid. I found out that at Imbolc (her feast day), she releases the waters that were frozen with the Winter to make way for Spring. Quite appropriate, as the first day of my pregnancy (the first day of my last menstrual cycle before I got pregant) was February 2 (Imbolc, or The Feast of St. Brigid).

Today was very enlightening, and I am looking forward to seeing where this goes from here. I know that I must actively give back to the Earth and the Universe every day. I hope to make that a part of my daily Spiritual practice.

The Book Of Love

2010-09-20T14:41:00.004-05:00

Every once in a while, a book comes across your path that changes your perspective. The first time it happened to me, was when I read "The Mists of Avalon" by Marion Zimmer Bradley. It revealed to me that there was another way of looking at history, both written and oral tradition. Today, I just finished reading "The Book of Love" by Maureen McGowan. It is the second book in her "Magdalene Line". The first was called "The Expected One". These two books have once again shattered my way of thinking, and have opened my eyes to a new thought path.

These books are about the lineage of Mary Magdalene and Jesus. This is not a new concept- I have held to the thought that Jesus' experience as a human was for a reason, and that he was the embodiment of God in human form. For many years, I have wondered why "The Last Temptation of Christ" was so scandalous. It depicted Jesus in a very human way, from what I understand. I have never seen the movie, but have heard a lot about it, as it was all over the media when it was in the theaters. Dan Brown brought the concept to the reading masses a few years ago with "The Da Vinci Code", but I had already been familiar with the concept through my New Age friends.

However, this series has so many parallels to my own beliefs and spiritual experiences, that it is uncanny. I have the urge to buy a cheap copy (I borrowed this one from the library!) and highlight all of the commonalities that I found. I feel the need to write it all down and document it for posterity, which is not usual for me. When I have journaled in the past, it has been for my own reflection. That is not the case right now. I feel like I need to PROVE the connections. It is a strange feeling. I feel the need to reach out and connect to others who may be feeling the same way. Again, not a normal reaction for me. I tend to keep my deep spirituality to a group of close knit people whom I trust with my every fiber of being.

I have been wondering if I am insane or have lost touch with reality, because these works of fiction touch me so personally. The author wrote them in direct response to her own personal experiences, but they are indeed, fiction. And they are not substantiated by any other documentation other than her own. Yet I am compelled to feel that her discoveries are TRUTH. I am an educated and strong willed woman, who doesn't fall prey easily to every fad that comes down the pike. I am willing to listen to new points of view, but I listen with wisdom and care, and I am not eager to jump on a proverbial band wagon every time I hear of a new faith, concept, or product. And yet, here I am. Wanting a new tattoo to document this "illumination". Wanting to hear more. Wanting to jet off to Chartres Cathedral to experience the rapture myself. EXPLANATION, PLEASE????

This all can not be coincidence. I was introduced to this series by my cousin, who I have had the pleasure of walking a labyrinth with. I had a realization in that labyrinth that all the women in my family who were there were part of the healing line of the Divine Feminine in my life. I called it "hedge witches" then. Both sides of my family were/are healers and artists. I am both. She introduced me to the books during the time that I finally went back to the classroom after giving birth to my daughter. My first classes- Fairy Houses and what else, but Clay Labyrinths. While I was reading "The Book of Love", a friend suggested (without knowing that I was reading this series) that I attend a new church in town, dedicated to teaching "The Way". That's the terminology the book uses to describe the teachings of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. The church even uses the word "Beloved" in their name...a big concept in the books. Another example- we are having MacKenzie's 1st birthday party at an Italian restaurant. The girls love her there, and they have a nice banquet room that we are going to use. While we were setting up the details there yesterday, I noticed that there is a big can of olive oil from Lucca, Italy sitting at the entrance of the banquet room. I would never have noticed that before, but Lucca was a big part of this book. The theme of this birthday party has been "fairy tales" from its conception. In the book, the heroine realizes that the teachings of Jesus & Mary Magdalene hid in plain sight for centuries through the archtypes in the parables of fairy tales. When that was revealed in the book, I got goosebumps, and couldn't stop talking about it! I have always wondered why Disney spent so much time and artistic effort on stories about princesses who find "happily ever after" with the kiss of their one true love...the feminist in me was always offended by that notion. Now I see it completely different, and will teach it as such to my own daughter.
* A quick add, for my own benefit...The concept of El-Asherah being the male-female aspects of the Divine...could that relate to the place that I feel most comfortable on Earth is the meeting of water and earth? The shoreline? Never completely at home just on the ground, or in the water, but constantly being an edge-walker. El was the male aspect and Asherah was the female. El was the sky and heavens and Asherah was the seas and the Earth.

On the note regarding being an artist and a healer- I have been using symbols to teach others about themselves through archetypal definitions for years. I have always used the phrase "the veil is thin" on auspicious days, when the Mysteries felt close at hand. These two things are referenced heavily in these books.

One more thing before I close. I have been writing a book. I stopped writing the first day of my pregnancy. I didn't know I was pregnant, of course, but I was unable to write for some reason. I have been writing about "The Remembering". Again, is it a coincidence that this book references "remembering" as well? I hardly think so. What I do think, however, is that it is time to start writing again.

I have been writing this for an hour now, and soon, my sleeping daughter will awaken. Actually, I don't think she's really the one who needs to be awakened...I think it has been me who was asleep. She is as close to Divine as a person can be. It's the gift of being an infant. I hope that she never "falls asleep" and that she remembers all that the Heavens taught her before sending her here to this incarnation. I will do my best to see to it that we live in the Light.

Exciting New Life!

2010-03-04T09:39:00.003-05:00

This dancing fairie hasn't been posting in a while...amazing things have been happening! After four years, my husband's and my wish finally came true! Our daughter was born October 31, 2009. A Halloween baby!

Many things have changed in my life. I am not working outside the house right now. I used to work 2 & 3 jobs at a time, and here I am! Working as a Mom! I was pretty sick for a good bit of my pregnancy. I had gestational diabetes, and they didn't know it until well into the 2nd trimester. I felt so much better after that was treated! I was forced to slow down- hot, pregnant summer; swollen feet; exhausted body!

I hope to chronicle more of my experience soon, but for now, there are diapers to be changed and bottles & baths to be given!

Irony, Fertility, & Lessons to Learn

2008-06-27T12:00:00.002-05:00

Clearly, I have no idea of what the Universe wants from me. I just don't get it. Have I put out so much fertility energy around me that all of the women in my life who don't want to become pregnant are doing just that???

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for three years now. Even with fertility treatments. We baffled the doctors! They don't understand what is going on in my body. We think we would be great parents- we know we won't be perfect, but we know we will do whatever it takes to raise happy and healthy kids. But yet, we can't seem to get pregnant.

And all around us, couples that we know are getting pregnant left and right. Couples that didn't really want to be pregnant in the first place. One couple already has two children between them from different relationships. Another couple is having marriage troubles, and the wife got pregnant, had a miscarriage and never told the husband any of it. Our next door neighbor's son and girlfriend got pregnant unexpectedly this year. And now, my best friend, who doesn't really want to be pregnant yet just told me this morning that she is 8 weeks pregnant. That makes her baby a Beltane baby. I was sure that Chris and I would get pregnant at Beltane this year. All the spiritual work we have done pointed directly there. I am happy for her...when I first heard the news, I smiled and was so excited...but now I am just sad and confused for us. It just seems so convoluted and mixed up. Why are Chris and I disconnected from all of this? My heart is breaking and I don't know where to put all of this emotion and negative thought that is running around in my head. What do I do with this information?

Broken Arrows

2008-03-13T05:57:00.004-05:00

A couple of days ago, I volunteered to help out with building an intentional space to hold a fire dance in conjunction with the Fairie Festival at Spoutwood Farm. Along with 12 other people, I participated in several parts of a large ceremony that lasted all day while working on the fenced in circle. The man who led the ceremony, Andrew, appointed each person with jobs to do at the beginning of the work day. We had met before, but only in professional circumstances, so he knew nothing of my personal life at all. He assigned me to the West Gate, where all of the dancers would enter and leave the circle. The intention for the Fire Dance is transition, vision, and dreams. The energy of the west is Dana, the mother Goddess and Lugh, a god of the sun and whose mother's father learned that his grandson would kill him. He kept his daughter hidden alone on an island to keep her from getting pregnant, however she found and eventually gave birth to triplets, one of which was Lugh. How about all of that "baby energy"!!! Mother Goddess, and a woman who was kept from being pregnant but the plot failed. . .hmmm. . .notice any parallels?

Anyway, back to the story at hand. We did little ceremonies at each gate when it was built, and then connected each gate to the other with a grapevine fence. When it came time for the West Gate ceremony, Andrew said that he wished for us all to participate in a physical interpretation of walking away from something that holds us back and walking towards our vision. He had spoken of this before in a meeting we were both in attendance at, so there was no surprise for me when he opened a quiver full of arrows and slid them onto the ground under the gateway.

Here's where it gets good. . .as those arrows slid out onto the ground, I could feel the tip of the arrow pressed against my throat. I knew instantly that I had to be a part of this ceremony.

Several people participated before me, but as the ceremony went on, I became restless, and needed my turn. I stepped forward, and said "I want to do this". Andrew asked me as I picked out an arrow what I was walking away from, and I told the group about how medical efforts to get pregnant are not working at all for my husband and I and that we were ready to leave it all up to Spirit now. He asked what I was walking towards, and I immediately replied "being a mother". The group asked for a power word that they could chant in support and I told them the word was surrender. Andrew's wife helped me to get in position for the trial. . .the point of the arrow was nestled in the notch of my throat where it was soft right above where the chest bones begin, and the other end of the arrow with the feathers was notched in a worn spot on a beautiful carved wooden bas relief of Lugh. I took a strong lunge pose and as I took three deep breaths, the group chanted "surrender" over and over. On the third breath, I stepped forward with that arrow at my throat, and the arrow shattered! It broke into 4 pieces. There was a little girl who was 4 years old who was there with her parents. She didn't help anyone else, but she had picked up my arrow pieces for me by the time I had gotten back to my space in the circle. My face was flushed with the energy raised.

After we all broke arrows in some fashion, we each bound our pieces of arrow together. then we bound the arrows to the gate. Andrew's wife accidentally wrapped her string around my arrows on the gate and it seemed to me that was symbolic of her bearing witness to my surrender and holding me in that energy. All of the others who broke arrows put them on the left side of the gate. I put mine on the right, and Andrew, his wife and his son all put theirs as well. Four arrows- wife, husband, son, and me.

Four pieces of the arrow, Four arrows on the gate, Four times the Hawk was seen above the ceremony, a Four-year-old picking up my arrow pieces, and I have seen the number 11:11 (1+1+1+1=4) several times this week since the ceremony. Magic is afoot!

I find it amazing that I could open up to complete strangers, and allow myself to be so vulnerable with them. But somehow I knew I was in safe space and that we were all connected somehow.

Full Moon at the Faire

2007-10-27T21:37:00.001-05:00

Tonight was magical at the PA Renaissance Faire. Autumn is my favorite time of year. I love the colors of the red and yellow leaves against the sky, and the crisp smell in the air. This year, Autumn came late. It has been hot for most of the season. Just this week, the air became cool and we got some well-deserved rain that the Earth has been craving. As a young woman, my mom would take me to the Ren Faire for my birthday on the weekend closest to October 14th. Today was a sweet reminder of those days, and it brought joy to me and feelings of warmth and love.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive a child for sometime now. Next month, we are scheduled to begin fertility treatments. I have been wrestling with some spiritual issues, and have been asking for help from the Divine in helping me to work them out. Yesterday, we brought our fish in from the pond to winter inside in aquariums. Our net was the right size to take the fish out of the pond and put them in a bucket, but it was too large to catch them in bucket to scoop them out and put them in the aquarium. Because of this, we had to catch our fish with our hands and gently transfer them to their new homes. I was able to catch the koi and a medium sized goldfish on the first try. When I caught them, they got very still in my hands, and let me transfer them. When I put my hands in the aquarium water and opened them up, the fish swam out of my hands with a squishy splash. I felt so connected to those little lives, and it felt like a little birth. I instantly burst into tears (the good kind!) and had to collect myself a little after the experience before I could help transfer the other fish.

Today, I had a fainting spell at the Ren Faire. It was very unusual. I felt fine all day, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Sweating, cold skin, feeling hot, and almost falling off my chair. I even had to take off my cloak, and undo my corset! The woman that I work for told me she thinks I am pregnant. That reaction was what she experienced with both her boys. I checked my calendar, and it is possible. I am five days away from the first day of my cycle, and that is when hormones start doubling every day in the body of a pregnant woman. I don't want to get my hopes up, but it sure feels like the Universe is sending me positive messages about fertility and birth.

This coming week is Samhain, or Halloween. The veil between the worlds is very thin around this time. That's the perfect time for helping the spirit of our child (or children!) into this world. I have even asked my ancestors to help guide them.

It was beautiful to see the Shire in the dark as I walked out to my car after working at the Faire all day. The beautiful wild gardens and quaint buildings lit by little torches, the laughter of people good-byeing in the streets, sounds of song and revelry from the Finale were all around me. As I stopped before the gate to take a last look around before I went home from my last day of the season, I was amazed to see beautiful fireworks right next to an amazing almost full moon. I have always found fireworks to be magical, and tonight was no exception. The moon was full with her silvery pregnant belly, and I just know that if I am not pregnant now, it will be soon. Our children are on their way. It is finally time.

Dancing or Drumming?

2007-05-28T20:25:00.000-05:00

This weekend was a big shift for me. For the last 5 or so years, I have volunteered and participated in a Women's Drumming Weekend. I have taken drumming workshops many times with Ubaka Hill. She is a fabulous drummer, inspirational teacher, and a bright and beautiful spirit. Here's where I'll try to make a long story short. Last year, I began to feel a shift. . .I was not incredibly excited to perform at Artsfest as a drummer in the Women's Drumsong Orchestra with Ubaka. When the time came to get up on stage with her and the other women, I did, and I had a great time. However, I felt similar this year. I did not take the workshops at all; as a matter of a fact, I didn't even bring my drum to the workshop space! I was busy helping out in several workshops throughout the weekend, so that was ok for me anyway. But when it came time to get ready to go downtown for the performance, I put on some fun bellydance garb. I'm so glad I did. . .Ubaka normally has several women from the community come and play, sing and dance while she is drumming one song. . .this year, she invited me from up on stage to come and dance! I was so nervous. . .I am normally one of the people in the crowd watching and taking pictures. This year, I was dancing with Laura V. (who is amazing, by the way!), and a couple hundred people were watching us and doing their own picture-taking! It was amazing!
I had the opportunity to thank Ubaka afterwards. . .I have been working with owning and sharing with the world some of my gifts. . .she called me out gracefully and compassionately, and made witness with all those people that I am a dancer. A spiritually connected dancer. Now I have to wear that as mine, and utilize it out in the world someplace. Somehow, Ubaka became the catalyst for this transition. I am forever grateful, and forever aware of that gift that she gave me.
Namaste

May Day Moments

2007-05-15T13:56:00.000-05:00

Wow. . .it's been a while since I have posted. Oops!

I had a pretty amazing weekend at the Spoutwood Fairie Festival over the weekend of May 4, 5, & 6th. I had the opportunity to be a part of the festival and it's production this year. I have been attending the festival for 10 years now, and have worn many hats: vendor, volunteer, helper, attendee. This year I was in charge of making sure that parades were fun and festive, and were successful! I made lots of flags, banners, spinning ribbon poles and signs.

I have always been good at making children smile and have fun, and I got to do a lot of that during the festival. However, I have not always been confident when it comes to entertaining adults. Only one of the parades was for the children. . .two of the parades each day were for adults too! I had no choice to interact with the adults the same way that I did with the children, because it was a mixed group of people. I learned that I do okay with grown-ups too!

I also had an amazing experience at the Gathering of Tribes ceremony on Sunday at the Festival. I normally try to keep my spirituality close to me, and not be too demonstrative. I am uncomfortable with the concept of priestess. However, when Andrew Steed called in the four directions during the ceremony, amazing things happened. I felt compelled to raise my hands high in the air, holding the edges of my cloak as he addressed each direction. When he thanked Air. .. the wind kicked up. When he thanked Sun. . .the sun came out from behind the clouds. I felt connected, and almost "glamoured" with the Goddess. While I was experience this, I was vaguely aware of a photographer with a REALLY big lens snapping my picture several times. It turns out that he was a photograper for the New York Times. I've been checking The Times for an article on the festival, but haven't seen it yet! Anyway, I had this feeling for the rest of the day, and ever since, that because there were MANY witnesses to this transformation of self, that I have to own what happened, and do something about keeping that role in my life. I don't know just how that may manifest yet. . .but I am willing to see what new chapter may bring.

I actually had the opportunity to meet and get to know (a little bit, anyway!) Linda Ravenscroft, a fantasy illustrator from Great Britain. She is such a lovely woman! On Sunday, one of my Fantasy Illustration students from the Home School Resource Exchange came to see me at the festival and I introduced him to her. She even posed for photograph with Cassidy and I! I am looking forward to seeing her again next year!

Chris (my husband) participated in volunteering this year too. He drove his step-mother's golf cart around, helping people out all weekend. It was wonderful to see him helping people like that, and enjoying it so much. That's definitely the way he is! Chris made a bunch of new friends, and it was really cool to see him fitting in there of his own accord. Life doesn't always work out that way, so I have to say we are very blessed with that.

I am looking forward to next year. . .we both want to be as involved (if not more. . .!) as we were this year!

Kubiando!

Fall

2006-10-27T20:02:00.000-05:00

Today was a great fall day. It was very cold out. . .in the low 40's. I watch my friend's 2-year-old little boy on Fridays, and we had a wonderful time discovering what fall is supposed to be like today! We have had a couple of very warm autumns here in Pennsylvania. This year, brisk weather came fast. And with it came jackets, hats, cold and runny noses, and fingers too cold to hold the dog's leash. It also brought deer very close to the house. After we went inside to warm up, we noticed a couple of deer close to the windows and we decided to watch them. They seemed to be very interested in the leaves and berries at the edge of the garden, and one by one, most of them came to eat just feet from where we were watching them. There were ten of them, but three does stayed farther away under another tree. One big doe was bullying the rest of them. She even took her hoof and pushed one little one out of the way! Those must be some great leaves they were eating! One of the other large does under the tree stood up on her hind legs and sniffed the air. We had been smelling the sure signs of fall ourselves earlier in the day, smelling the fallen leaves and the start of a rain shower. The little boy was so fun to watch while he was observing the deer outside of his house- he talked directly to them, turning the lamp on for them so that they could see better! He talks to everything. . .trees, water, deer. It's a nice reminder that the world is full of sentient beings who are all affected by the change of the seasons and the turning of the wheel of the year.

On the Subject of Leaving

2006-10-23T02:59:00.000-05:00

Hello.

It's been some time since I posted. One thing after another this fall, including a nasty bout with asthmatic bronchitis!

Anyway, today at 3:30 am, my husband Chris had to leave on another business trip out to Nevada. He'll be gone two weeks. Part of me wants this to get easier, but another part of me is glad that I get so upset when he goes. I am glad that after almost 2 years of being together, I still feel like the earth is splitting open and I am getting sucked in when he leaves. I love having him around, and being close to him. I love that he is in my life!

I used to be a self-sufficient woman, doing mostly everything for myself. Before I met Chris, I was comfortable living alone, and enjoyed my time to myself. I still enjoy the moments and the time I carve out for "self time", but now I enjoy the time he and I spend together just as much. It's even enough to know that he and I are in the same house, even if we are in separate rooms doing individual things without each other. There is a special "knowing" that we are always connected that feels so good. It's still there while he travels, but the fact that he is 2000+ miles away is daunting. I love to feel him next to me while we are sleeping, and I love to wake up to his sleepy face. I don't sleep well when he is away- it's hard for me to fall asleep without him here. I always feel so safe when we are together. Like all is right with the world. I think this is going to be a long two weeks this time. We both have plenty to do to keep us busy, but I don't think that will matter this time, at least to me. I already miss him, and he's only been gone 1/2 an hour!

Back on My Feet

2006-09-23T13:09:00.000-05:00

I am finally back to normal after having a laparoscopic surgery done on Sept. 6. The doctor said it would be a 3-day recovery, and here I am, 2 weeks later, finally back to being myself again. They did more than was expected, but they think that the surgery was successful and my husband and I will soon be starting our family. I had some trouble with the pain medication that I was given, and that made the first part of the recovery difficult. It was a hard 2 weeks because I am not used to having to ask people to wait on me and to take care of me. But, I'm back! And now on to the next phase. . .whatever that may bring!

Me, In a Canoe!

2006-09-23T12:49:00.000-05:00

So I am updating this very late, but I guess it is better late than never!
On Sept. 4 (Labor Day), my husband and I went to scope out the location of a remote place that I was supposed to dance at the next weekend. It was at YMCA camping retreat that is located at a beautiful lake. Well, it was a beautiful day. Our day actually started out with an unexpected major change in plans, so we thought we'd just spend the day doing something fun and adventurous since our original plans were interrupted. It sure turned out for the better! We decided to rent a canoe and paddle about on the lake for an hour. What a great experience! I hadn't been in a canoe for at least 15 years! I was QUITE anxious when we first got in, but Chris' quiet and supportive demeanor helped soothe me. It only took me about 20 minutes to get comfortable and to get the hang of paddling without dangerously rocking the canoe. We even purposefully grounded ourselves on a little island full of plants so that we could have lunch in the canoe. (I was much too nervous and unbalanced to try to deal with the packed lunch while we were just floating around! It seemed like EVERY little motion set the canoe to rocking again!) The picnic lunch was a lovely experience. We made an agreement to do something outside in the natural world once a week, and to make more adventure in our life. Here's to the great outdoors!

Healing Mandala

2006-08-26T11:58:00.000-05:00

I started the process of the footprint mandala for my client. She visited my studio on Thursday. We talked for a little while, and I meditated on the blank canvas for a while. The images that were given to me were very interesting. I saw a triangle, which turned out to be a Mayan temple, and a rainbow colored serpent, orchids and palm fronds, and cuneiform writing. All of these elements were profoundly important in matters which she is working on. It never ceases to amaze me when these mandalas touch the recipient so deeply. If that ever stops being the case, I hope that I have the sense to stop doing this work. I don't want to become one of the many "new age" practitioners that have become commercial and are only doing their work to make money. I actually have a huge issue with how to charge for my time and effort because of that. The client that I am doing this mandala for recognized that, and said many good things to help me in that process.

I am grateful that even after a year and a 1/2 of procrastination and avoidance, I still have the ability to be a vessel for divine information. I know that this time I can't run away from this, or I will probably not be given another chance to do this work. It is time to give back to the creator. . .Thank you, Universe.

Tribal Tassels

2006-08-17T21:13:00.000-05:00

Monday night, I had another class in Tribal Fusion. We worked hard, and it felt great! My instructor had a simple tassel belt on, but it was very effective for some of the hip moves. So, Wednesday before class, I made a new belt! I had a belt base that I wasn't sure what to do with, and I decided to use that. I made 12 large tassels and 12 small ones. I sewed them to the belt, and added some brocade trim and tassel fringe. When it was completed, I slipped it on over my costume, and felt a transformation begin. I felt the energy of Pele, the Goddess of Fire and Dance, come over me. I felt powerful, and strongly feminine. Now, I want to paint the canvas front of the belt with flames. I have a performance on Saturday, and I would like to wear the belt for that.

I also agreed to do a painted mandala based on a woman's footprint. I have been on a 2 year hiatus from doing these. . .it's amazing what fear can do to keep you from doing something you love. When I was writing the email to the woman I am going to do the reading for, I kept seeing arms around the woman's head. Three on each side of her, to be exact! And I also saw an elephant's trunk. Ganesh. So, I asked the woman if she was working with Ganesh energy. I didn't tell her why. She replied that she has images of Ganesh all over her workplace. I picked up on that from 1/2 an hour's drive away, without direct contact with the woman. When I realized the significance of that, I cried, and thanked the Goddess for that awakening. Now it's time to step out and have faith in this process, and start doing the work I was intended to do in this life.

New Project

2006-08-14T07:13:00.000-05:00

Last night I started researching for a new project. I am creating a spiritual divination deck featuring portraits of local women. I put a couple of hours into researching traditional interpretations and imagery, and then I realized I may be going about this incorrectly. I think I have to get to a quiet space (both spiritually and physically) and meditate about what each individual card should be. I was trying to do it the other way around, and it felt like I was trying to fit things into a mold. Some didn't fit, some overlapped, and some weren't appropriate at all. Maybe I need to keep it very simple.

Tribal Inclinations

2006-08-09T22:01:00.000-05:00

Today was the second Tribal Fusion bellydance class. I think I learned more in two hours of classes with my new teacher than I have learned in the last two 6-week sessions with my other (former?) teacher! My arms are sore. . .but at least I am working hard! This new teacher even uses the kind of fast and driving music that I am drawn to. I learned that I have a long way to go to be the dancer that I want to be, but I am also farther along than I thought. We danced in a "troupe setup", and it was interesting to create a dance with women who otherwise, are perfect strangers to me. Now, I can't say that I actually felt a connection with them, but we were able to create an artful, choreographed dance together as people who have only known each other for two hours.
As I sit here and write this, the full moon crept into view in the transom of the front door of the 1896 Victorian house that my husband and I just bought last month. Luna oversees everything that I do, and it is only appropriate that she is in the fullest of her power as I start down this path. Reflection, glow, female, strength, full, ripe, light, steadiness, are all words that come to me as I watch her curved path above me. Thank you for blessing and shedding your light on the path that lies before me.

Oops!

2006-08-09T21:59:00.000-05:00

Ok- I found out a bad thing. . .if you move away from a post that isn't complete or saved, YOU LOSE THE WHOLE THING! Rats.

And we're off. . .!

2006-08-07T14:39:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had a day that you knew, even when it started, that things were about to change? That's what it was like for me today. It felt like a new chapter from the moment I woke up. As I went about my business, I had snippets of great ideas all morning. They were things that felt like they were a part of the bridge I have worked so hard to build the foundation of; the bridge from fear to really living. I even committed to taking a new Tribal Fusion bellydance class- it starts tonight! I've been putting that off for forever, but as I made the committment, I felt the door open and I stepped out across the chasm, knowing that there will be a sturdy path underneath my feet even though I may not be able to see it right away. And so I walked with a clip in my step, and as I made my way back to my car through a busy parking lot, I heard snippets of the two songs that touch my spirit and make me feel confident in myself. What are the chances that I would hear them both within minutes of each other on a day like today?! There are no coincidences.

So the next leg of the journey begins. . .!